3 Lessons In Emotional Intelligence From Abraham Lincoln

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In 1855, Abraham Lincoln was 46 and a relatively unknown lawyer who specialized in civil law. He traveled from his home in Springfield to Cincinnati to help defend a major lawsuit over farm equipment patents. He prepared diligently, eager to argue his case. But when the fiery, nationally renowned lawyer Edwin Stanton arrived, he brushed Lincoln aside as “small-town help” and belittled him, reportedly saying, “Where did that long-armed creature come from and what can he expect to do on this case?” Lincoln hung in the sidelines watching Stanton, then returned home stung.

Six years later, Lincoln had become president and the nation was collapsing into civil war. Stanton had become a foremost public critic of Lincoln, referring to him as a “gorilla” who expresses “painful imbecility.” Meanwhile, Lincoln faced serious issues with his war department. They were disorganized and inefficient, their battles had been going poorly, and their leadership suffered from corruption and distrust. Lincoln desperately needed a secretary of war who could turn the sinking ship around. Rather than choose a friend or flatterer, he appointed the last person anyone expected—Stanton.

The Lincoln-Stanton partnership went on to be a fruitful one. By the time of Lincoln’s assasination, Lincoln and Stanton had progressed from teammates to allies to steadfast friends. By examining the arc of their relationship, you can glean a lot about emotional intelligence and its role in the making of a great leader.

1. EQ Lesson #1: Practice Radical Trust

From the start, Lincoln and Stanton’s working styles clashed. Stanton was blunt, impatient, and quick to say “no.” Lincoln was calm, patient, and inclined to mercy. When Stanton dismissed one of Lincoln’s orders as “foolish,” Lincoln’s team began to complain to him about Stanton’s aggressive style. Lincoln immediately defended Stanton, saying, “Did Stanton say I was a damned fool? Then I must be one, for he is nearly always right, and generally says what he means.”

Rather than bristle at Stanton’s criticism, Lincoln used it as a safeguard against his own impulses. He even went further, explaining to his team: “If I send an order to him which cannot be consistently granted, he is to refuse it.” Lincoln deliberately gave Stanton the authority to overrule him, an act of almost extreme humility and trust from the seat of the president.

To engage in this radical degree of trust, Lincoln needed to understand Stanton and their relationship on a fairly deep level. Lincoln knew that Stanton was the kind of person who spoke his mind (he “generally says what he means”). Knowing that he would bring strong, contrarian, and useful opinions to the table, Lincoln selected him as Secretary of War and intentionally enabled him to speak his mind freely. The relationship would never have worked if:

1. Lincoln had hired Stanton under the assumption that he would change his style and stop speaking out when he disagreed.

2. Lincoln hadn’t empowered him to make his own decisions.

Only by understanding where Stanton’s strengths lie and trusting in his ability to do the job right was Lincoln able to move at what Stephen M.R. Covey calls “the speed of trust.” And this idea is at the heart of many of the famous duos we love. Often, one person in the duo pushes emotion and vision while the other is the rigorous executor who can ground everything and bring it to fruition. This brings about conflict, but also forms the basis for building something special. John Lennon and Paul McCartney, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, the writer Raymond Carver and his editor Gordon Lish all fall into this category to varying degrees.

2. EQ Lesson #2: Practice Radical Self-Awareness (Egolessness)

Owen Wilson spoke about how much he hates pressure. "The times when there’s a scene looming, or I put a lot of thought into [my work], I find that I don’t do well...I feel kind of constricted,” he said. “I do much better when the stakes aren’t that big one way or the other.” On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s Ezra Klein, the host of “This American Life” who feels like he needs to have a harsh, looming deadline to be fully productive. The pressure makes him thrive. Neither person is wrong, and both are incredibly successful. What they have in common is a deep, deep sense of self-awareness. They each know exactly what works best for them and why, and they use this to their advantage.

This is exactly what Lincoln did when he chose to work with Stanton, who essentially hated his guts and thought he was overrated and incompetent. In Lincoln’s shoes, many people would have lashed out at Stanton the moment he dismissed them in court, and many more would have held silent grudges refusing to work with Stanton ever again. Even of the select few people who would be gracious enough to still hire him, how many would have given him full autonomy, the ability to reject their decisions, and then laugh it off when Stanton referred to them as “foolish”?

Lincoln’s ability to do so can be traced back to one of the core tenets of self-awareness: Recognizing when negative emotions are “in your way.” He had the emotional capacity (and the confidence) to recognize that Stanton hurt his ego, not him. Stanton wanted to win the case, and with all of his experience and knowledge about patents, he was the better choice as lawyer.

It takes a lot of emotional power to experience that sting of rejection, and at the same time, to zoom out, get objective, and identify Stanton as a potentially powerful ally. Even as Stanton bashed him publicly, Lincoln had the self-assurance and vision to spot his potential.

EQ Lesson #3: Express Care with Vulnerability (Don’t Hold onto It)

Author Daniel Pink surveyed 23,000 people and asked them about their greatest regrets. The single most common response? “Regretting lost connections.” These were usually friendships that faded with time. And as more time passed, reaching out felt more and more difficult. This same concept applies to smaller, in-between interactions, too. Each time you let something pass without acknowledging it, you lose out on an opportunity to show that person you care. Each time you send a thoughtful message, you break that pattern and strengthen your relationship.

Many people around Lincoln accused Stanton of being too harsh to him. Lincoln defended Stanton loudly and publicly. In a dramatic announcement to his team, he said, “[Stanton] is the rock on the beach of our national ocean against which the breakers dash and roar, dash and roar, without ceasing… Without him I should be destroyed.” That was Lincoln’s way of saying that Stanton, with all his fire and ferocity, was the person holding the war effort together. It was also his way of making sure Stanton knew how valuable his opinion and style of leadership were. And that ability to express your trust and vulnerability is the third emotional intelligence strategy here. It’s by no means an easy or comfortable thing to do, but it’s seriously powerful.

Emotional Intelligence: The Good to Great Multiplier

What began in insult had become a bond of mutual respect. Stanton’s voice, once critical of Lincoln, became reverent by the time of his assassination. On the morning of April 15, 1865, as Lincoln breathed his last, it was Stanton who famously declared, “Now he belongs to the ages.”

And it’s not difficult to imagine about a hundred different possibilities where Lincoln and Stanton’s relationship fails. It could have failed the moment Stanton shut him down in court. Or it could have failed because Lincoln tried to command-and-control Stanton. Therein lies the power of emotional intelligence: To turn the very people we clash with into teammates, then allies, and then even friends.

We often think of emotional intelligence as an obsession with being nice or kind, but it’s more complex than that. Often, a relationship doesn’t need kindness to be effective. It needs something else, like honesty, trust, or radical self-awareness (egolessness). It was Lincoln’s ability to choose Stanton for the potential in their relationship and lead him in a way that unlocked that potential.

P.S. If you have a thought, question, or something you’d like me to write about, hit reply. I’m always looking to learn from you all!