EQ & Self-Discipline

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Self-discipline is undoubtedly one of the greatest tools available to humans. We can map out twenty-year plans for retirement and follow them to a T. We can withhold pleasure in exchange for growth. We can put ourselves through mental and physical struggle to help someone we love.

Perhaps, the most interesting and encouraging thing about self-discipline is that research shows it operates like a muscle. This means you fatigue it each day as you practice various forms of self-discipline (working, exercising, eating, etc.). This also means you can also strengthen your discipline, increasing your tolerance through practice.

Using Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to Grow Your Discipline Muscle

When we think about self-discipline, most of us think of it as repressing short-term urges for long-term benefits: skipping TV to build a business on the side, or skipping ice cream in exchange for great abs. But, this is just one part of what it means to be self-disciplined. In reality, our self-discipline is in a constant push and pull with our emotions:

• Anxiety can make us overly cautious and risk-averse

• Joy or excitement can make us impulsive

• Boredom can make us slow to get started and drag out shorter tasks

By increasing your ability to recognize and manage your emotions, you can boost your self-discipline. Research shows that those who score higher in emotional intelligence are less impulsive and better able to persist through difficult tasks. What follows are four EQ strategies you can use to grow your self-discipline muscle.

1. Are You Procrastinating to ‘Let an Idea Incubate’ or to ‘Avoid a Tough Emotion’?

We procrastinate for different reasons. Sometimes, it’s because our brain needs time to process. This incubation period is important and valuable. There’s a reason so many “aha” moments come to people while doing mundane tasks, like walking their dog, washing the dishes, showering, or switching over their laundry. Other times, procrastination stems from an emotional source—boredom, overwhelm, anxiety, dread, and so on. As psychologist Daniel Pink writes, “The key question isn't 'Why am I not doing this?' but 'What am I avoiding feeling?'” Once you understand the feeling you’re avoiding, it becomes much easier to make a plan to move forward.

The EQ Takeaway: When you catch yourself procrastinating, first ask: Is this incubation or emotion-avoidance? If emotion avoidance, ask what emotion am I avoiding? From here, you should be able to see a clear path forward.

2. Match Your Workflow to Your Mood

Just as people work better at night or in the morning, our moods can affect how we think and make decisions. Anxiety can make us overly cautious and risk-averse. On the opposite end of the spectrum, a really good mood after a victory can make us impulsive. One great example is the literary agent Danielle Bukowski. As an agent, she receives over a hundred book queries each week. Rather than just read queries at the same time every day, she intentionally reads when she’s in the right mood. “I do have to be in the right headspace to be receptive to new work,” she writes. She needs to be of the mindset that, “Something in here might be amazing! I am ready to be surprised and delighted! If I find myself getting out of that headspace, I stop going through the query inbox.”

The EQ Takeaway: Optimize your work with your mood. For example, I find that I focus the best in the morning when my battery is fresh and I know I can hack away at a task until I see good progress. Midday, however, I tend to get a bit tired and try to block out my schedule with more menial, communication-oriented tasks. Then in the evening, I tend to get a second wind of creativity, and I’m good at coming up with ideas, writing new hooks, and listing out ideas for articles I want to write. I’m much less good at polishing up and finalizing an article at this time.

3. Phone a Friend

At 31, Kyle Hart is old. At least by MLB standards, where the average age of a rookie pitcher is 24 and the average age of retirement is 31. After Hart had his first good start over the weekend, I noticed a theme in his interviews. He asks for and accepts help constantly. And since many other athletes adopt a lone wolf mentality, or feel uncomfortable admitting what they don’t know, it gives him a huge advantage. For example, after a rough first start, Hart openly admitted to his catcher, Martín Maldonado, that he was embarrassed. His catcher then stayed up late talking Hart through his pitching style, both after his first start (which went poorly) and the night before his recent start (which went well). “I’m not naive to where [Maldonado] was going with this message,” Hart said, “but I absorbed it and let it help me instead of just deflecting. It’s exactly what I needed.” Hart also asked veteran pitchers Yu Darvish and Joe Musgrove to help him research hitters and create a scouting report. Perhaps unsurprisingly, his next start was excellent.

The EQ Takeaway: Ask for help, even if you don’t need it. Harsh individualism isn’t doing anyone any favors. By getting a bit vulnerable, stretching your comfort zone, and asking for help, you can get a lot further a lot faster. In fact, research even shows that we tend to like people who ask us for favors more, not less.

4. When Times Get Tough, Rely on the Rhythm of Your Process

When a beginner runner takes a couple of weeks off, they’ll really feel the difference when they come back. They’ll run slower and struggle through a run that had been easy just a couple of weeks ago. When a lifelong runner takes a couple of weeks off, they’ll hardly notice the difference. They can start right back up, and if anything, they’ll feel especially rested and strong.

This is a great way to think about the fortifying power of habits. The more you engage with your process, the easier it becomes. And, the harder it becomes to “lose” that habit.

For this reason, it’s especially important to sustain your rhythm through those tougher times. Marcus Aurelius wrote about this in Meditations: "When jarred, unavoidably, by circumstances, revert at once to yourself, and don’t lose the rhythm more than you can help,” he wrote. “You’ll have a better grasp of the harmony if you keep on going back to it." In other words, when times get shaky, you’ll naturally want to break your process. Persevere, and your process will be that much stronger. To go back to the disciplined runner, it’s the runner who finds a way to run at all times of her life who builds such a big base that she doesn’t feel two weeks off.

The EQ Takeaway: Focus and discipline tend to flow in a rhythm. When your routine gets disrupted by the chaos of life, view it as an opportunity to lean especially hard on your routine.

P.S. If you have a thought, question, or something you’d like me to write about, hit reply. I’m always looking to learn from you all!

P.P.S Connect with me on LinkedIn, where I write about EQ a few times each week.