Why Emotional Intelligence Is The Antidote To The Loneliness Epidemic

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Over the last two decades, loneliness has progressed from a problem to a crisis to an epidemic. Sure, Covid exacerbated the problem, but it was a problem forged first and foremost by technology and social media. The average person spends 70% less time with their friends than they did 10 years ago, and a full 12% of people now report having zero close friends. Meanwhile, the average person spends 80% percent of their waking hours consuming information.

We find ourselves in a twisted cycle where we acknowledge that loneliness and isolation feel bad, yet we struggle to break that cycle and establish real connections. Since most of us can’t operate in extremes (i.e., we can’t delete all of our social media, swap our iPhones for flip phones, or make our company return to office), what we need are some natural strategies to find and maintain connection. In comes emotional intelligence, a skillset with plenty of “connection tools” for your tool belt.

1. Beware of Parasocial Relationships

One of the biggest purveyors of loneliness is the parasocial relationship, where we feel close to a person we follow online. We know what foods these people like, what brands they wear, and their daily routines. But, of course, we don’t actually know them. Parasocial relationships are the reason we’re 38% more likely to engage with a post that has a selfie and the reason that 40% of people check on recommendations from influencers before making a purchase.

So where does this urge come from? Why do we feel compelled to build parasocial relationships? Research shows that loneliness activates the same part of your brain as hunger. As journalist Anne Trafton wrote for the MIT News, “After one day of total isolation, the sight of people having fun together activates the same brain region that lights up when someone who hasn’t eaten all day sees a picture of a plate of cheesy pasta.” So, when we feel lonely, parasocial relationships act as a kind of temporary satiation. You can think of a parasocial relationship as a donut. It creates the sensation of making you full despite being devoid of nutritional value. While of course there’s some value to parasocial relationships (and to donuts for that matter!), you wouldn’t establish your entire diet around donuts. The goal with donuts is to enjoy something tasty, not to replace hardy nutrition. The same should be true of parasocial relationships. We should enjoy them but not let them replace real connection. For me, this equates to spending less and less time on social media, knowing that it will give me that false hit of connection.

2. Lean into Short-Term Discomfort

A core tenet of emotional intelligence is the idea of recognizing the difference between short-term negative emotions and long-term ones. Often, short-term negative emotions are just the natural result of pushing your limits. They’re signals of discomfort, not signals you should stop doing what you’re doing. In his book The War of Art, Steven Pressfield writes about the show “Inside the Actors Studio.” When the show’s host James Lipton asks actors why they chose to play a certain role, Pressfield points out how they always answer the same way: “Because I was afraid of it.” In other words, they saw their fear of a role as a signal that it offered real opportunity for growth. “The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it. So if you’re paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. It shows you what you have to do,” Pressfield writes.

By leaning into your discomfort and pushing through those negative emotions that surround building connection, you’ll grow your abilities. For example, when you run on a treadmill, you don’t immediately feel “good.” You feel awkward, your shins feel like they’re going to explode, and it’s tough to breathe. Similarly, seeking out connection can fill you with dread, social anxiety, and self-consciousness. But as with running, you build connection for the long-term, to feel more confident and peaceful on a daily basis.

3. Practice the “Art of the Hang”

In the 1960s, a doctor in a small Italian-American town noticed something interesting. The town, Roseto, Pennsylvania, had a shockingly low rate of heart-related disease and death (about half that of neighboring towns). And this was despite the fact that townspeople “smoked unfiltered stogies, drank wine regularly, and consumed meatballs and sausages fried in lard.” Many of them also worked in the nearby slate quarries, which exposed them to harmful gases and dust. On paper, it appeared to be a kind of inverse “Blue Zone” that achieved the same positive effect as a Blue Zone—a long life.

The doctor’s observation triggered a longitudinal study of potential causes. The conclusion was that the town’s social environment differentiated it from nearby towns. The researchers attributed the community’s strength to its cohesiveness, the fact that people weren’t “keeping up with the Jones’s,” and even the fact that people’s homes were packed tightly together, forcing interaction. This factor of community, the researchers speculated, outweighed the other unhealthy habits. They called this effect the “Roseto Effect.” Sadly, as the town “Americanized” its sense of social cohesion slipped and the death rates followed suit, increasing to match that of neighboring towns.

By embracing the “art of the hang,” we can manufacture that sense of social cohesion in our lives. This is about incorporating more basic moments of connection into our lives: Stopping for long chats with neighbors, inviting friends over to hang even if you nothing specific to do, or as my Grandpa used to do instead of retiring, you can show up to your workplace and walk the floor to see what other people are up to. As Tom Hanks said in a recent interview, the “Art of the Hang” is about learning to embrace the “attractiveness of 95% of people” and “to navigate the other 5% of jerks and evil people.” “And ain’t that better than being alone in a room when you don’t have a thought in your head?” he added.

Adding Tools of Connection to Our Tool Belts

Emotional intelligence won’t fix the loneliness epidemic overnight, but it gives us practical, human-scale tools to reconnect. The antidote to loneliness isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about showing up and leaning into the art of the hang, again and again.

P.S. If you have a thought, question, or something you’d like me to write about, hit reply. I’m always looking to learn from you all!